Disability

The latter part of 2018 was totally fucked. I have been disabled since August after sustaining a "non work-related injury" at home. Initially I was on a disability leave of absence for three months. I returned to work at the start of November thinking I was getting better. But another accident at home led me to go back on leave for another few weeks. Tonight will be my return to work after what I hope is enough time to recover. I have gotten used to a routine of life at home without working. I am used to it enough to know that there are never enough hours in the day to do what I want or need to do. It doesn't matter whether 8 or 16 of those hours are spent at work; when I am home, the time just seems to slip away. I am also being regularly blind-sided by my wife with unexpected bills that become due. This causes immeasurable stress that even the strongest elixirs can't soothe.

I have learned that I have maybe 10 to 13 years left of full time work in me. As I have gotten older, the aches and pains accumulate, rather than diminish. I have been thinking a lot about how I will survive after I retire. Thankfully, I own a house which steadily increases in value. That's one possible source of income. I have several retirement accounts including a pension, which I hope UC doesn't fuck with too much before I can collect. And then there's a glimmer of hope that social security will still be around as it is today. After running through some numbers I may have enough. Time will tell.

Anyway, it sucks to be disabled. I'm still in some pain. My doctor says I have a torn meniscus in my knee. The pain may go away on it's own. Or I may require a steroid injection directly into the knee. I don't look forward to that. But it may become necessary soon. So then I think about how much time I left on this planet: 5 years? 10? 15? Days? If I start in with the injections and get them couple times a year, then my knee will ultimately be destroyed. But will I be around and will any of that make a difference? It's really hard to say. I'm just dealing mentally with yet one more part of the body succumbing to chronic pain. Sucks to get old.