Why Am I Here, Really?

It's been a couple months now since I lost Finesse. Seven months since Style. I find myself just going through the motions. I work, get home, dawdle, sleep, wake, dawdle, sleep, repeat. Even though I have what many would presume to be a happy life, as well as a nice home and a lovely wife, I find that I am stagnating. I have given up on music. I no longer play any musical instrument. It doesn't being my joy anymore. I have a closet full of guitars that I am preparing to sell off. I just don't have the time or motivation anymore to do a band thing. I've turned down a few gigs so far this year and do not anticipate ever returning to any level of competence on any instrument I have ever previously mastered. It's not something I even want to do.

When Style and Finesse were here I had so much to look forward to. They were the very solidifying markers of my existence and also represented a very happy point in my life. Now that they are gone, I feel empty and worthless. Even more worthless than I have felt at any time in the past. I exist to work like a dog to earn money to pay bills which never end. A vicious cycle of life but not life. Is there anything that brings me happiness anymore? Some of the people in my life, close family, my wife, I guess.

What do intend to do? I intend to keep going until I can't. I have had plenty of instances where I've made a split-second life or death decision, always choosing life. Instinct over intent? Or instinct as unconscious intent? I'm still here. But why am I here, Really?

Getting Closer

Well, I’m down to one kitty. I’m still getting over the loss of Style. Fitness, the cat, has her own set of ailments. She has what appears to be a cancerous kind of tumor on her lower jaw. It appears to be irritating. I took her to the vet. And the doctor said that it would be best not to do surgery on a cat her age.  Instead, palliative care will be the course. The doctor prescribed Buprenorphine, which is a pain reliever.  I squirt a very small amount into Finesse’s mouth, and it’s absorbed instantly through the membranes and cheeks.

This is just a fix. For how long, who knows? I love her; she purrs, makes me smile. It's been a long time. I treasure every day she's here. And I made a pact with myself that I would not stick around once I have no one to take care of.

As far as getting things together for Pam... I need to make a will and secure some mortgage insurance so that when something happens to me, she'll be taken care of. I like to stare out at the ocean from the 8th floor at work. On a clear day you can see the boats on the ocean. There's a balcony right outside the window which is kept locked. I've only seen the maintenance workers go out there to take care of the plants. The vantage is excellent. Great views. See, there's still stuff that I like, that is timeless, that brings some comfort. A kid was screaming at the restaurant today. I wanted to go over there and smack the hell out of it. Wouldn't it be a different world if this kind of thing were acceptable? Parents might think twice before inflicting their brats on others. All it would take would be one well placed smack, the kid would be unconscious, and all would be silent except for the applause.

Kim

My neighbor, and good friend, Kim Elizabeth Pollock  passed away suddenly today. Kim and her husband Ryan became close friends of ours when we moved into our new home in Woodland Hills a couple years ago. Out of all our neighbors, they were the ones we hung out with the most. We went to many dinners together and spent a lot of time in each others homes and company. I will certainly miss Kim. And my heart goes out to Ryan, who has just lost his best friend for the last 48 years. They'd been together since they were 16 years old. Their lives had diverged a bit when they graduated high school. But they've been married for well over 25 years and have two wonderful children together. 

Kim was very easy to laugh, and was the kindest, dearest woman. She would bring us food she had cooked. She and my wife, Pam, were kind of competing back and forth in the food department. Pam was always bringing food up the hill to their house. Even preparing complete meals in their kitchen. 

Kim and Pam would go shopping together frequently. Their favorite stores were Ross, Home Goods, and even Home Depot, where they bought forests of plants and flowers together.

Pam is absolutely crushed by this. I cannot bear to hear the howling and moaning. But I must. Kim was our friend. Kim was Pam's closest friend and meant the world to her. Her passing came as a complete shock to us. We had just had Ryan and Kim over two nights ago for some coffee and nice conversation. There was no sign at all that there was anything wrong. Kim was her normal cheerful self. Ryan and Kim were the perfect couple. I am in shock.

For the last several months, Kim had been having digestive problems. She'd had a procedure at UCLA a few months ago to fix her digestive issues. Mainly, the issue was irregularity in the bowel. She had trouble pooping. She’d go for a couple days without pooping as her abdomen became distended and hardened. That problem was supposedly fixed at UCLA. But it recurred a couple months ago, and it turned out she had a growth in her colon which was creating a blockage which had to be removed. She had it taken care of at Providence Tarzana Medical Center, and was allowed to go home after nearly two weeks in the hospital. That was the end of the problem, or so we thought. I'd even asked Kim last week when we prepared dinner at their house, and she said it was all fine. Kim had some ongoing issues afterward with oozing at the wound site for her surgery. But she had a nurse coming to the house to check and change the dressing regularly.

According to Ryan today, Kim had not pooped for a couple days again, and her gut was hard, and she was in distress. The nurse did not seem to catch on that there was something dreadfully serious happening to Kim. Yesterday afternoon, Kim finally went to use the bathroom, but she was weak and passed out. Ryan called 911. The ambulance whisked her to the ER at Providence....where they waited from 7PM until 5AM before a room became available in the ICU. By that time, Kim had been intubated and was on machines. She never regained consciousness. Pam and I got word from Ryan late this morning and went to the hospital to see Kim. She was not looking very healthy at all. She was all full of lines and fluids and tubes. The RN who was attending to her was kept very busy changing fluid bags and plasma infusion bags. Her organs were already in shutdown. Her liver enzymes were critically high. She only had one kidney because she had donated the other one to her husband Ryan, who needed it after his first kidney transplant went south. I knew after hearing her ABG results that things were not looking good at all. That she was dying. But I couldn't bring myself to tell Ryan. There always has to be hope. Even when science says otherwise. But I knew this was going to be it, even though I was praying for a miracle, along with everyone else.

Kim passed away this afternoon at about 3:30PM. And we all miss her terribly. It was too sudden. We're in a quandary now of second-guessing and 20/20 hindsight, and blaming the stars for taking away such a nice, kind hearted, beautiful soul. I am writing this to help deal with my own grief and confusion. It is even more difficult for Pam, who I told to get some sleep. We are both a mess.We are there for Ryan because he's our friend. Kim and Ryan and their family are like family to us. And now we will take care of each other. It doesn't seem real at all. I need to get some rest now.

Committing Suicide

I will most likely be dead before the end of 2121. I have a tentative plan in place already. I have a few loose ends to tie up on the Homefront. I need to make an ironclad will so that the government gets nothing, and my family gets all. I need to be sure that my pets live out their full lives in comfort. Once I have those assurances, then I am free to kill myself.
I am not on any kind of psychoactive meds. I am not nutso. I am not acting on an impulse. This is something that I have thought through and through, down to the exact method of my own suicide; that, too, is foolproof, and does not involve blood, severe injury or paralysis, loud noises, or alligators. In this life, I have done most everything that I have ever wanted, and achieved most everything I have set myself to.
But there comes a time when there is really nothing more, and life has become a boring drek. Even the sunrises and sunsets all seem to blend together into a meaningless haze. I would like to have full control over how I end it. And I shall.
This isn't so much a fuck everyone else kind of thing anymore. It's more of a fulfillment of going out on top, with all my faculties intact, at a time of my own choosing. The fuck everybody else part has more to do with people's knee-jerk reactions to this kind of talk. Most always its along the lines of someone needing mental health realignment. Trust me, I have no need for that. I can think quite clearly from day to day. And this is the right path for me to take.

Sleep Deprivation

It's a kind of magical, between universe kind of feeling, when I go without the necessary sleep. It feels like a rock is hitting me in the side of the head, but in slow motion. I put myself through a couple double-shifts, on consecutive days. I really shouldn't because I am so fucking tired right now. But I need to keep working in order to stay in this nice house with the beautiful wife and wonderful garden, etc. But there is a part of me that would be relieved if it all ended in a fiery head-on collision as I drive home this morning. No big loss, of course. No one gives a shit anyway.

It's Happening Again

I hate myself and I want to die. I hate my life. I am worthless, stupid, and unworthy of any kind of respect. I am treated like garbage. I am garbage. This is how I feel. There is nothing good. All is shit. Fuck everything.