Going Through The Motions

Almost a year has passed now. I find myself haunted. I sometimes hear and feel the presence of Style and Finesse. A pillow seen out of the corner of my eye. A stray noise. It brings me back to happier times. But only for a moment. I have a few things in life that make me happy these days. My wife, Pam, is one. We have some ups and downs. But she has helped to center me these past 10+ years. Another is that I have been speaking to my father a few times a week. Just about little stuff, really. But it helps to have a family connection. While I still find myself pushed to beyond arm's length by my mother and brother, I maintain some contact. This also brings me back to center. As far as work goes, I find I am more often going through the motions. I can see that if I survive to retirement, that it will be in about ten years if I can hold on. As such, I have become more and less particular about the work I do. I am less willing to expand my horizons and seek advancement as its no longer important to me. I am more interested in staying where I am and perhaps streamlining the work I do so that it becomes an easier ride to the end.

Financially, it's a struggle. Nice to own a house. But it is taking it's toll. I am drinking a bit more often. Not really to excess because I don't like that feeling. But I am going through alcohol quicker. I think about suicide daily. Many times a day. It is always on the table. Why the hell am I still here. I'd promised myself many years ago that I would go when my cats went. Unfortunately, I'm still here. But when I find myself in random situations, for example, when I'm driving, and another driver makes a big mistake that could cause me to wreck, I instinctively swerve or brake, or do something so that I don't get hit. I have to shake this instinct and just hit head-on. Twice last week I could have ended it. But my instincts took over. Maybe there's a pill I can have prescribed that will help me to shake these survival instincts. Meantime I'm still here. Still going through the motions.