Worthless

 I am a stupid, naive, and apparently worthless individual. I don't know why I stick around. Every night when I wake up, I am in pain. The first thing I think about is killing myself. This goes on for the first hour or so of blissful wakefulness. What is the point of going through the same old routine day after day if there is no change, if at some point every day I am made to feel worthless. These feelings are reinforced from several angles. "Thank you for helping us today." But the unspoken message is that "we don't give a fuck why you're here. But we're going to use you until we burn you out."

My wife and I are on the same page when it comes to the world being against us. I am not actively trying to persuade her of such; she has her own life experiences to back up her convictions. For me, this is good news because all we have to do, really, is to get a couple guns and off ourselves. I think this would be a glorious, but, in some small circles, awful, end to 2021. I'd rather end it sooner than later. I'm pretty much done. I have nothing that I aspire to do as far as great musical (what a laugh) achievements. My stain on the pimple on the ass of history is waning. While I am a great source of information and technical and clinical expertise at work which my coworkers frequently avail themselves of,...I am a threat to management and they keep me at more than arm's length. Fuck em. Fuck em all. I pray they suffer great unrelenting cancers, all of them. Even the management at Kaiser is already lying to my face. What? Was I born yesterday? I can tell when you're lying to me. Everyone, be on notice; don't fuck with me. I can tell. 

The smartest people I know are my parents. And my brother. We are all cut from the same cloth. Other members of my family as well. Smart mother fuckers. That is a benefit, if you can figure out how to exploit that without sliding down the hole. But it is a tremendous detriment because most of the world is not on the same level, struggles to understand where I'm coming from. This has been my life. I know, in a sense, what my parents go through, too. Not just dealing with people, sometimes even playing with people (like a predator with prey,) but having to rely on people with far less intellect and understanding of the so-called big picture. Let alone reading my drivel in this blog. I don't mean to freak my parents out. Really, I don't. I know they're smart enough to realize that I am using this space to vent my shit so I don't actually go and do something terrible. At least I hope they do.