What Not To Say

These days, there's nobody who I feel comfortable discussing the inevitable with. I realize that by discussing with Premmanee that I don't plan to be around this time next year, I may have inadvertently hurt her. I didn't mean to. Now she tosses it out there from time to time that I need to be sure that I take care of certain things before I'm dead. I think she's come to accept that I plan to kill myself around this time next year. Once in a while she asks me to take it back. But I can't. I have no reason to stick around anymore. I've done everything I want to do. I've faced my limitations. Overcome some, accepted others. Probably not a good idea to discuss suicide with loved ones. All it takes is a phone call and I could be committed for at least 72 hours on a 5150 hold. And then it would be up to the medical staff to detain me or release me. I have too big of a mouth, so I'd be staying indefinitely. Unfortunately, the financial consequences of that would pretty much mean that we'd have to sell the house and my wife would be out on the street, as I'd be permanently out of work. At least my way, Premmanee is taken care of financially for a time.

I've also come to realize that the anti-suicidal climate that I live in has some harmful caveats. Anyone who discusses suicide is automatically considered as someone who needs to be put in a hospital, regardless of how sane or rational they may be. Simply discussing it in the open leads to people feeling obligated, pressured, forced into sticking their noses into my personal business. This takes freedom of choice right out of their hands and mine, and in most cases prolongs and exacerbates the pain and suffering. This kind of climate also makes it impossible to discuss these things with a doctor. As soon as the words leave my lips, shoomp, I'm whisked away.  I know that if I was taken into that kind of protective custody, I'd be looking for my earliest opportunity to end it. Like a rat in a cage. I was taking Celexa several years ago. It was supposed to stabilize my emotions. But what it really did was flatten my emotional experience. It made life less exciting. No more extremes at either end of the emotional spectrum. So I stopped taking it; told them I was feeling better now. So it's better to keep these things to myself. Don't seek help. Don't say anything. Don't threaten. When the time comes, just do it. And do it right the first time.

What not to say is that I feel suicide is nothing more and nothing less than ending a miserable life. And that its OK to go through with it. What not to say is that I sympathize with those who have been successful at it and understand that most of them had good reasons for ending their lives. What not to say is the truth when dealing with doctors anymore. Also better not to tell your wife as it is hurtful and wrong. It is wiser to simply go through with it if that's what you want to do.